The following contains mature language and may be offensive to some; adults only.
Does the term rape culture have you pissed off lately? Have you had enough of feminists trying to tell you that you are mansplaining? Are you just plain sick of your girlfriend—you know that girl you follow on Facebook that says leave her alone, but you think “no” means yes?
Have you finally had enough of talking at women and trying to understand them, when you know what is right? They don’t get it or understand you? Tired of women not smiling all the time because them smiling at you means they want you?
Well, I have the lifesaver for you. Now you can order a real lifelike Chick-in-the-Box. That’s right. Chick-in-the-Box gives you all of a girls’ best features while eliminating things we all hate so much about real women.
- Chick-in-the-Box does not gain weight; her weight is preset.
- Chick-in-the-Box has hair where it counts—on her head—and nowhere else.
- Chick-in-the-Box requires no birth control or use of condoms.
- Chick-in the Box has no self-esteem, so she works in any sexual position including but not limited to gang bangs, jerk circles, forced, single and multiple oral sex, and the thing no real woman would ever do: the money shot. She will even let Rover clean up the mess you make of her (though this is not recommended).
- Chick-in-the-Box, unlike a real woman, is very low maintenance. She requires no food, unless you are a food-o-phile. She is perfect from head to toe.
- Chick-in-the-Box accepts all major fetishes, from hair to foot fetishes.
- Chick-in-the-Box won’t judge you because she appreciates how hard you work and good you are.
- Chick-in-the-box likes all penis sizes and even an occasional vagina.
- Chick-in-the-Box has no voice. She comes with the “fuck-and-forget” feature. As soon as you climax (time varies between two seconds to one minute), you can forget she is there and get the sleep you need. We do, however, offer the Bitch-in-the-Box model for those men that like smacking after a little bitching. Her voice comes with an off switch, don’t worry.
- You can cheat on Chick-in-the-Box with our other versions. She won’t mind.
- Chick-in-the-Box is fully customized to fit your worthy expectations and desires. You can chose her hair color, skin color, nipple size, nipple color, type of vagina, finger and toe nail polish, race, height and even age is unlimited.
- Finally, Chick-in-the-Box will stay with you forever. And we mean forever with our “You will Freak Everyone Out But Your Friends Will Bang Her if You Have Friends Guarantee.”*
Hurry and order now. Once men find out about Chick-in-the-Box, they will soon be all gone. Prices start at $6,500.00. Just imagine: right now you could be fucking instead of talking.
*Disclaimers: Chick-in-the-Box looks so real that the postal service may confiscate your package assuming there is a dead body being delivered to your residence. Expect a delay during delivery.
There have been reports that the doll’s eyes follow customers around the room, the heads turn backwards, and that some dolls vomited on the customer (though after further investigation, it was the dude’s old rancid bodily fluids. You do have to clean Chick-in-the-Box regularly. The fuck-and-forget feature does not offer self-cleaning at this time.
We advise against hiding Chick-in-the-Box in the closet, under the bed, in the attic or basement since she may feel victimized or cause someone who would actually come to your place of residence to have cardiac arrest, except those with warrants for your arrest.
We strongly urge costumers not to throw Chick-in-the-Box in a dumpster or on the curb for trash pick-up, as this will result in a 911 call and even media coverage of you and your residence for a suspected murder.
Do not bury or hack the limbs of Chick-in-the-Box because that’s just wrong.
Do not set Chick-in-the-Box on fire because you would be sick to do such a thing.
We do not take refunds on your used goods. We suggest that if you want to get rid of Chick-in-the-Box, sell her used ass on E-bay and be sure to clean her. Good luck with that.
We suggest you adopt Chick-in-the-box as a member of your family. Don’t worry, your mother already figured out that there is little hope for you. We even include a “condolences” card for your mother.