It’s Okay to Touch Ur Nuts

young crazy man

Yes, it’s okay to have a little nut touching. Here is a chronological telling of my thoughts and of the events, as I experienced them after a shower. Something did not feel right:

  • Once you find that you have a painful or swollen nut, think not! Get you and your squirrely passions immediately to your doctor.


  • Upon arriving, you will get quick service. You will not have to go to the nurse, she’ll come for you, “Go to the emergency room right now! Right now, do you want me to call an ambulance or will you go?”


  • Go without question for a man with no balls is like spaghetti without meatballs.


  • At the ER you will get nut-tagged, VIP service. They put you a head [sic] of the elderly, the crying children, the pain-chested and even above the guy that swallowed his tongue trying to do the Miley Cyrus challenge (courtesy of YouTube).


  • In your ball-saving rush, please remember to drink plenty of fluids because you will be taken to the lovely world of pregnant ladies and ultrasounds.


  • Do not get aroused, so promise your penis plenty of delayed gratification if he behaves.


  • The technician will give the following instruction: “Take your pants and underwear off, lie down, and put your penis on your stomach, and cover it with this paper towel.”


  • When you hear this, think not; do as instructed.


  • To prevent arousal, fantasize about a sexually explicit rendezvous with someone particularly distasteful. If all else fails, my favorite is Michael Moore, more left-leaning than a left nut.


  • Let’s say, you may become too stiff once she (it’s usually a she) sloshes on warm jelly all over your panic-stricken nuts and gently nudges them around with a, what? … a grocery scanner? You will not recall because your penis will.


  •  Say, “WTF” and relish the paid-for-you-by-Obamacare moment.


  • Don’t come [sic]! Whatever you do!


  • She will hand you a towel when she is done with you and say, “Here, wipe yourself off, go to the bathroom and do whatever you need to do, and then call me when you are ready.”


  • It’s okay to feel confused, “Did I just come here or am I still going to?” Is this real or a dream? If it’s a dream, why am I not liking it?” If you are liking it, don’t tell anyone, especially your wife. “Will the police arrest me?”


  • No, I reassure you it cannot be a dream because sex is never as good as it’s dreamt up to be. It’s just your penis, nuts, and ass screwing you over.


  • Then after two more hours of inhaling Ebola, getting Chagas and dodging a chick you think is named Zika, you get a room and the doc feels your nuts, while reassuring the intern that you still have two of them.


  • If you are lucky, it’s infection, and they give you nut-saving elixir.


  • If it’s a twisted nut, you, your testicles, and your testicular fortitude are going under the knife.


  • Don’t worry, you only have eight hours to save your nutty friends before you find out what Rover feels like being neutered.


  • I hope I have inspired you to check your nuts or the nuts of one you love daily.


  • Remember now, one can always bust a nut anytime.

Author: dropoutprofessor

A professor of English and Social Sciences that enjoys writing. Hope you enjoy my posts. All published work on this blog is my own. Pictures are used under license from or, unless otherwise noted.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s